Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
