guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
