You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
