Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
