Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
