And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
