You were right. It hurts to walk today.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
