toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
