My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
