my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
