Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
