the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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