she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
