i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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