Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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