He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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