So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
