Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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