You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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