Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
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you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
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