I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i came on her dog
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
