I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
