I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
