Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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