i already hear my dad disowning me
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
