Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
