so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
