put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
