I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
