Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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