I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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