im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
