the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
