every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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