He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
