It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
