You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I think I sprained my soul last night
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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