I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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