I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
