i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
