All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
