So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
