I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
