He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
