I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
