saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
