Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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