I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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