I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
