My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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