im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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