I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
