I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
