Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
